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When Children Manipulate: How to Recognize and Avoid Inducing Manipulation



Manipulation is a behavior that can manifest in children from a very early age. Although it may sometimes seem like a simple tactic to get what they want, it's crucial to understand that behind this conduct lie emotional needs they often don't know how to express. Additionally, parents may unintentionally foster or even provoke these manipulative behaviors through their own actions.


In this article, we will explore the reasons why children tend to manipulate, how parents might contribute to this behavior, and what strategies can be implemented to correct it in a healthy way.


Why Do Children Manipulate?

Manipulation in children usually arises when they feel they cannot meet their needs or desires directly. Since they haven't fully developed emotional control, they resort to indirect strategies to get what they want. Some common reasons include:

1. Desire for Attention

A child may manipulate their parents to gain attention. Sometimes they feel that only through tantrums, crying, or demands do they get heard.

2. Lack of Control

Young children need a certain level of autonomy. When they feel they have no control over their environment, they resort to manipulation to regain some power in the situation.

3. Imitation of Behaviors

Children learn by observing their parents. If they see adults using manipulative tactics with each other or toward the child (like emotional blackmail), they're more likely to develop this type of behavior.

4. Immediate Rewards

If a child gets what they want through manipulative behaviors, they learn that this is an effective way to achieve their desires.


How Parents Unintentionally Induce Manipulation

While parents often seek to resolve challenging parenting situations in the most practical way, they may unknowingly induce manipulation in their children. Some ways this happens include:

1. Rewarding Obedience with Gifts

Offering something in exchange for desired behavior, such as "If you're good, I'll buy you the toy you wanted," teaches children that they should behave well only if there's something to gain.

2. Emotional Blackmail

Using guilt—for example, "If you don't listen to me, Mom/Dad will be very sad"—teaches the child to use others' emotions to get what they want.

3. Constant Negotiations

Yielding to manipulative requests to avoid conflicts reinforces the behavior. Phrases like "If you stop crying, then I'll let you play with the tablet" teach the child that they can obtain benefits if they push hard enough.

4. Unfulfilled Threats

Using threats that are not followed through weakens parental authority and reinforces that consequences aren't real.


Long-term Consequences

Unintentionally fostering manipulation can have negative impacts on a child's emotional development. Some of the consequences include:

  • Problematic Relationships: They may have difficulties in relationships with friends and peers by transferring these behaviors to other contexts.

  • Lack of Self-regulation: They don't develop the ability to regulate their behavior for internal reasons like responsibility or respect for rules.

  • Low Self-esteem: They may feel they're not accepted as they are and are only valued for what they can get.


How to Prevent and Correct Manipulation

To prevent children from resorting to manipulation, and to correct any parental influence on this behavior, it's important to establish clear, respectful, and consistent communication. Here are some key tips:

1. Establish Clear and Coherent Boundaries

Children need to know what's expected of them. Boundaries should be clear, and parents must be consistent in their enforcement.

2. Teach Natural Consequences

Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions helps them understand the connection between their decisions and outcomes without the need for external punishments or rewards.

3. Avoid Emotional Blackmail

Don't use emotions to control the child's behavior. It's better to explain how their actions affect others in an objective and empathetic manner.

4. Model Assertive Behavior

Children learn by imitation. If they see their parents communicating respectfully and assertively, they will do the same.

5. Encourage Cooperation Without Rewards

Involve the child in household tasks or daily activities without offering immediate rewards, explaining the importance of cooperation and responsibility.


Expert Opinions

Rafael Guerrero, psychologist and author of "El cerebro infantil explicado a los padres" ("The Child's Brain Explained to Parents"), explains that manipulation in children should not be seen as a malicious strategy but as a sign that the child is trying to meet a need they don't know how to express appropriately. Guerrero emphasizes the importance of not resorting to manipulation to correct this behavior but to teach them to manage their emotions and needs in a healthy way1.


Spanish psychologist Alberto Soler also points out in his book "Niños sin etiquetas" ("Children Without Labels") that parents should be aware of how their own actions may be inducing manipulation in their children. Soler highlights the need to set clear boundaries without using emotional blackmail or material rewards as the main motivators for behavior2.


Conclusion

Manipulation is a behavior that both children and parents may use, sometimes unknowingly, in an attempt to control challenging situations. To avoid this dynamic, it's crucial for parents to provide a safe and consistent environment where children understand that their needs are heard without resorting to manipulative tactics. Instead of inducing manipulation through rewards or blackmail, parents can promote cooperation, responsibility, and empathy as pillars of a healthy relationship.


Footnotes

  1. Guerrero, R. (2017). El cerebro infantil explicado a los padres. Editorial Plataforma.

  2. Soler, A. (2018). Niños sin etiquetas. Editorial Paidós.

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