Although sometimes it is hard for us to believe it, setting boundaries appropriately and respectfully is a fundamental part of parenting with love, though applying it with our little ones can be quite a challenge. I invite you to accompany me as we unlearn what we usually believe about boundaries, and how we can say “no” assertively and with love.
Let's start by answering the first question: why is it so important to set boundaries? To summarize, they offer our children self-assurance to face the world, provide autonomy and result in learning. But… How does all of this happen?
I'll give you an example, let's think of a child who wants to eat an entire bag of chocolates. We, as adults, know that it can cause discomfort in their tummy. Therefore, we explain to them that we will only eat a piece of chocolate, and that we will be able to eat more another day. Here, we are protecting them.
From moments like that, the child internalizes that mom and dad are capable of taking care of the child and that they want what's best for the child. We have given them reassurance. Later on, the child will know that eating an entire bag of chocolates could harm him and, therefore, learning has occurred. Afterwards, when he is alone, the child might not eat the whole bag —we have given them autonomy to take care of themselves.
Taking this same example into account, we know that usually, when we set boundaries, our little ones get sad, angry and they tend to cry, amongst other things, which is an expected response. So, what can we do in this situation?
First: I accompany the emotion in a loving way.
- "I know you may feel sad/angry, I understand, the chocolate is very tasty."
Second: I keep the boundary firmly and explain it clearly.
- “But we will only eat one, because if we eat more our belly would hurt.”
Third: I accompany and exhibit emotional regulation.
- “I understand that you are sad/angry, I will accompany you.” (We can propose techniques like slow breathing or a hug).
Fourth: I propose solutions or alternatives
- How about we eat… (a fruit that they like)?
- We already ate chocolate today, we can eat more another day.
We must remember that these steps should be repeated on any occasion where you want to set boundaries, being consistent is important so that our little ones understand and may feel safe. Always remember: setting boundaries is also a way to love your child.
-Teacher Cristina
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